As I was out for a paper and some copying, it did feel like a coolish spring! But, our April this year will be on the cool side say the weather prophets. I bought a Herald also since it has full coverage of the Humboldt Broncos hockey team tragedy with about half the team now left alive and in the hospital except for one player.

The whole Canadian nation feels this tragedy knowing full well that such an unwanted event is always a possibility considering the conditions and frequency of such drives to meet and play the opposing team.

There were many social iNet messages, with the most remarkably many for the truck driver who survived the collision with the hockey player’s bus. The whole Canadian nation feels this tragedy knowing full well that such an unwanted event is always a possibility considering the conditions and frequency of such drives to meet and play the opposing team. It is a fateful eventuality that we all know can happen, as we hope it won’t. Bless the souls of those who went and the lives of those who remain. Deo Volente.

Yesterday morning Michelle and I went to the Canada Post depot with good results. Michelle was delighted to see the birthday card from her nephews and I was treated by a late bill and two checks from ‘powers such as these are’.

We also stopped at Campers Village which I’d never yet visited. It has an overwhelming selection, but I managed to spot a nice cotton and linen summer shirt with an unfindable secret inside pocket:-)! Today the locksmith and Canada Post are scheduled to come by to fix the access problem, hopefully.

Yesterday aft I reclined much, still doing that deep searching that keeps calling with that urgency. No immediate results, but it did make me realise that there is a necessity to this search, which made me ask what that could be. A feeling of abandonment surfaced and later the ‘scourge’ notion of unrelenting forward effort. This was and still is an old survival mechanism of mine dating back to my early immigrant days of 1959-62 as I lived in Toronto.

This mechanism I internalised at that time in fear of being a failed immigrant; ‘I’d rather die than go back home’ was my attitude.

However, yesterday I also experienced feeling of accomplishment, which I then contrasted with the ’scourge drive lash’. Back in those early years I would not permit myself a feeling of accomplishment, urging myself always on to the next task to be accomplished. This mechanism I internalised at that time in fear of being a failed immigrant; ‘I’d rather die than go back home’ was my attitude.

Yesterday for the first time I realised that this not allowing myself a feeling of accomplishment eventually exhausts the willingness to go on and hence I block myself from further accomplishments until this matter is resolved. This is what triggers my urge for this ‘deep search’ making an effort to consciously address my ‘scourge issue‘. So, using yesterday’s acquired awareness of my inner scourge repressing feelings of accomplishments I resolved this morning that this process was no longer tenable.

Therefore I decided that though the scourge served my at the time, it was an unconscious force brokering no let up and needed a replacement. I chose ‘admonishment’ and later ‘urger‘ for this purpose. Next I realised that the reward side also needed a ‘personality’ - as Peterson calls that - and I chose ‘benefactor’ and ‘blesser’ as the designation.

After I act on the urging by the ’admonisher’ - taskmaster - and reach the set goal, I refuse to go on the next goal and wait for the ’blesser’ to have its say allowing feelings of accomplishment and benefits to surface.

Now I will have to apply all this, but this formulation is better defined than anything else that has gone before; this is not the first time that I attempted this ‘restructuring’ as this technically is called.
<9:53am and with coffee and edit: 10:50am~.